“Ask Three Mentors” is a question-and-answer column, produced exclusively for Insights, that highlights the fact that members of AFCC are attorneys, judges, and mental health professionals. Many of our most experienced members are committed to mentoring and passing on the wealth of knowledge they’ve acquired through years of work in the field of family law. Each month we will pose a custody-related question to three members of our panel of exceptionally experienced and widely respected family law experts. Our readers will then have the benefit of hearing the answer from the perspective of a judge, a mental health professional, and a family law attorney. Please submit your questions for our Mentors here. For biographies of our Three Mentors panel members, go to this page.
Below our Mentors answer this question:
How can professionals involved with high-conflict custody disputes compartmentalize/ensure that work stress and concerns do not carry over to one’s personal life?
Commissioner Marjorie Slabach, Retired
I failed at keeping the stress of high conflict cases from effecting my private life. Sleepless nights and conflict with otherwise friendly opposing counsel were two of the signs of my failure. I bought into my client’s desperation; I felt responsible for their happiness; I couldn’t see both sides of the conflict. Of course, the solution is to consciously do the opposite; but, HOW?!
So, I became a judicial officer where I was trained and forced to maintain neutrality and view both parties’ positions with objectivity. And I have had no sleepless nights for that reason since. But every family law attorney may not want to become a judicial officer, so here are some other solutions:
- Join a group of attorneys and mental health professionals who meet regularly to discuss their cases and mentor each other. Call each other on your lack of objectivity.
- Find a good therapist and meet regularly.
- After a day at the office, talk with every member of your family about their joys and mundanity of the day. Intimacy with family and friends chases the goblins away.
Dr. Philip M. Stahl
Professional who work within the systems of family and dependency court are at risk of taking on the trauma of the clients within the system. Judges, lawyers, and mental health professionals are all at risk and there is a growing literature on the impacts of vicarious trauma to participants in the traumatic experiences of our clients. These risks can lead to various symptoms including, but not limited to:
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Feeling burnt out
- Numbness to other’s and our own pain
- Using substances to aid in the numbing and blocking of our emotions
- Treating our colleagues with anger and disdain
- Depression
While we are at risk of such symptoms, there are many things we can do to avoid or minimize them. The first step is awareness – awareness of our emotions and our behaviors and taking the time to be mindful, mindful of how our client’s emotional responses and traumas and mindful of our own emotional responses. We must stop ourselves and think about what we are doing and why. When we get angry at fellow professionals we will want to stop and think about why we are feeling as we are. Are we developing symptoms of being burnt out, are we working too hard, and are we unable to problem solve? If so, consider the following antidotes to such experiences:
- Exercise, eat healthy foods, and limit substances that numb your emotions
- Focus on the spiritual meaning in your life
- Develop feelings of gratitude for the good things in your life
- Nurture your personal relationships with friends and loved ones
- Travel and take regular holidays and time away from work
- Laugh and be entertained
- Do things that you find enjoyable, such as hobbies, and bring meaning to your life
- Ultimately, balance your work and play, and stay focused on why you went into your own particular helping profession.
Attorney David Donner
My inner-Grasshopper says to aim for a state of relaxed vigilance. “Relaxed” because family law professionals do not need more stress or another item on our endless to-do lists. “Vigilant” because our work puts us at risk for corrosive stress that often undermines our health, family life, and well-being. As family law professionals, we hew to standards of care, codes of professional conduct, and a drive to serve others. Our dedication, duties, and drive can make us vulnerable to over-involvement with client demands and dynamics in custody cases.
Breaking news: the problems which we routinely face as FL professionals are not ours; our clients are neither family nor friends (or ought not to be), and the children experiencing custody conflicts are not ours. Paradoxically, we need to periodically feel our client’s stresses/pain enough to ‘get it,’ and after we get it, we need to step back. Over-identification with a client or child’s pain and struggles can compromise our objectivity and impair the perspective for which clients hire us to provide.
One needs both early and late warning systems, which sound the alarm that work burdens or boundary slippages have seeped too deeply into one’s personal life. Spend a few minutes on Google looking up vicarious trauma, work stress indicators, depression signs, or self-administer a substance use questionnaire. A trusted mental health consultant recommended the book “Second Hand Shock,” which is pithy, easy to read, and provides common-sense strategies.
One or more of the following may help tame the work beast and create better work/life balance:
- As we’ve just been through an election year, I’ll risk bastardizing James Carville’s 1992 quote: “It’s about relationships stupid.” Whether with mentors, colleagues, friends/family, or a therapist, seek those with whom you can confide your work thoughts, anxieties, and concerns. For lawyers, if therapy feels too daunting, consider a mental health consultant as part of your practice and schedule a monthly meeting.
- Breathe! Conscious breathing is medicine at your fingertips. Take one minute an hour, or every 15/30 minutes – one measly minute, you can do it, and breathe deeply. Try three deep breaths before a client call, opposing counsel call, or deactivating your screen saver. If this feels excessive, try three breaths at the top of the hour or aim for conscious breathing once a day.
- Reach out to those with whom you laugh.
- Treat yourself like an important client and calendar whatever enriches your life. Before reading No. 5, add something you want to do to your schedule.
- Move! For those who loathe exercise or for whom the NYT 7-minute workout seems to last forever: Walk around the block; stretch for 15 seconds every hour (or every 2 – 3 hours if you can’t leave the screen); for yogis – take a plank break in your office. If you’re not routinely moving – start small. Ask yourself, why not now?
- Play more: This is from the 08/14 NYT: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/14/smarter-living/adults-play-work-life-balance.html?surface=home-living-vi&fellback=false&req_id=729053120&algo=identity&imp_id=955448593&action=click&module=Smarter%20Living&pgtype=Homepage
- Got Gratitude? We are fortunate to make a living providing service. As family law professionals and part of the AFCC community, we have wonderful, smart, and dedicated colleagues. It feels good to appreciate those in our orbit who matter to us. Practicing gratitude expands our personal life, which helps move the scale towards better balance.